i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
