you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
