i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
