I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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