He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
