i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
