i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
