she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
