If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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