You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
