i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
