i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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