Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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