just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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