hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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