i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
