She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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