i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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