Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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