You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
