So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
