Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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