who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
