Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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