I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
