You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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