I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
