I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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