Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You can't just leave with hair like that
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
