I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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