I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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