my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
