Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
