no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
