i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
