Cold hands, warm shart.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
