I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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