Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We have started to decorate penises.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
