You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
