My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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