you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
