i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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