She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
