i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
