Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
