he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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