I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
