we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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