There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
