**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
