I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
